recognizable medium

3x5" post-it notes, "journal" books, one-off printed typings, thoughts dumped to inert* email messages, writings and notes adjacent to notable material printed out, stray paper usage, and blog entries...

i write my thoughts in so many disparate places, mediums, forms and formats. i have no standard because it doesn't feel right. standards do not feel “right” to me. standards are like templates: starting points. but even starting points change over time and so become revised, revisited, or reevaluated. meaning that all things change, though some things are slower to change and so can enjoy a time of relative static usefulness. meaning that they are relatively unchanging but still provide high usability because of their versatility, recognizable, and recurrent properties.
and though it may be that, in general, people utilize and/or crutch-on standards, templates, etc. i do not do so lightly**. perhaps i challenge too much, or make things “too difficult” by “thinking too much.” but i don’t feel that my core reactions are “thinking too much.” i am operating at natural levels. ha! i’m sure that will sound funny to somebody. maybe ridiculous is a better word, maybe not but my awareness of that potentiality has given me some smile. i’ll take it.

*for convenience and availability. i scramble to find the first thing available to capture thought into record. this results in my use of post-it notes and the use of the utility of being able to type in email messages. "inert" because the intention is not to email, just to record, the option of being able to "send" the content afterwards is coincidental benefit.
**”lightly” seems to me to suggest or imply that i am controlling my actions, when actually it is my feeling or natural reaction

i was compelled to start writing this as output/reaction/exhaust to expression that is cooking in me at the relative moment- movement.. something like that. i was watching tekkon kinkreet, this work has good rhythms with me. it speaks a lot about change and the process or cycle of things, it also focuses on the activity or “blood” of what makes urban- urban. attributes of the “city” or “street.” there are many examples in my life that contribute to my “gathering(s)” and tekkon kinkreet is a new(er) addition to those contributions and resultant inspirations. i definitely like recognizing like-rhythms, either as individual minds, or works, or even whole productions (where many minds contribute to the work, thus making the source of inspiration more vague since it’s not any one person but rather a dynamic or context that creates the element speaking to me).
i love the byproduct of street. the city. urban. concrete and weather or not it will rain away into earth and time sooner or later. the process(existence) is something i cannot speak enough about. i am consumed by it. i am suspended in it. at times i feel to think(cannot help but be made to think) of it as it articulating me rather than me within it. the more i observe and ponder the more i see the façade of control and purpose the individual animated being has. we are not individuals with the comfortly-crafted idea of being autonomous in our presence; arrogance, oversight, and lack of observation, experience, or awareness contribute to the idea of such control by the individual. at least to my examinations and findings, of which i have no control over; i have accepted what i receive, i stumble over my cultural programming and awareness-dynamic(intellect and instinct aka “humanity”), but i cannot deceive myself or hide from myself or what i receive in existence.
i am only part of existence. for all that common and contemporary cultural associations hold, humans are as "individual" as any category or label that we have created. but we are not. “individuality” is an artificial intellectual label, an idea to aid in understanding and communication. it is a matter of layer and perception. layer being context, and perception being experience or one’s own gatherings. to look past common associations and definition finds that everything is part of the whole. and the whole is infinite.
the human, the bacteria, the sun, the atom- all parts of the whole. none isolated from each other, all influencing the process. connected.
existence. environment. context. wonderment.
being aware of all of this is overwhelming. so much so that i am continually torn apart by: my butt’s first morning itch, by day’s continuing breaths, by all the wonderfuls about in adjacently; and from this awareness, that there are things doing and being at all the moments regardless of my thoughts about them, that there is a furious dynamic in concentration on this planet, and that that fury really doesn’t stop here, but is continual as far as i can imagine.
awareness gives me this. it takes care of me, watching me when i’m down, caring for me when i have forgotten to care for myself, always there with me, regardless of me and my nonsense. my humble short-lived fussery i provide until my own process folds back into the whole.

i fail continually to produce tangible shared-expression. i could say “art” but that is too singular, too much the “comfort-based category” for the sake of easy communication. isn’t the challenge of understanding worth it to interpret and translate? much like an aged wine, cheese, or preserved collectible. the efforts are worth it. the comfort-laden knee-jerk phrase “work smarter not harder” comes to mind; i am not “trying” to make things harder, i do not serve “for the sake ofs” because i cannot. if i follow my intuition, my instincts, my gathering(s)- i cannot. if i choose to be unbalanced and contort and force and control things then i can conform "for the sake of." and do so without thought, without observation, without wonderment, curiosity, and inevitable questions and discovery and awareness.
i am as complicated or convoluted as i am because of my gathering(s), my experience and continuum of influence that is existence and environment. i shy away from phrases and quotes for the most part because they are relied on as fact and for comfort too often. they mislead and program. mainly because they are easily misused by those that do not have the experience to wield such phrases, just enough to be “dangerous” with them. they are, after all, just tools. no not the people, the phrases. but though i shy away from phrases and quotes i like the phrase “i yam what i yam” – popeye
and i have to remember and accept that quotes and phrases are actually really good tools. i know it from observation. recognizable elements disseminate knowledge and connect humans like water does in soup or oil does in engine. people know popeye and, for those that have the experience, will realize what that quote truly means, regardless of it’s original intentions or meaning. and by “truly means” i mean of what it means to each of us, since we each make our own conclusions. recognition is a good element or tool. humans and many other beings have obviously thrived on it throughout our evolution as evidenced by our continued presence.

what would you do when what you looked away to is suddenly not just in front of your nose or beneath your feet, but actually everything all the time? inside, outside- and beyond what you can touch or prove; what you are in love with is already. it has been always. waiting. waiting for you to recognize that your love for it, is it’s love for you.
then what? what does one do then?