quite quiet

questions that start out as “why are you so _______” are not ones i do well with. they are a kind of “loaded” exposition rather than question; i understand the emotional caliber being fired, but i don’t do too well at social games. i stumble across what i initially believe to be a more straightforward question. and then, to that, how does one answer? where does one begin? because this kind of question is inherently existential. and i believe that those who ask questions in this way are not really wanting an existential journey through philosophical entanglements. if anything the ulterior motives and planking moods of an individual behind these questions would only be exacerbated by first, my bewildered and awkward state, or second, my seemingly cheeky disdain. of which, usually, neither apply.
so: “why are you so quiet.” that is a question i am familiar with. and because of my long experience with this, and others similar, i’ve been made to observe it’s effect and consequences and more importantly the dynamic it exists-in and influences: human culture.
and yet, i still stumble, and fall. i am who i am and the questioner is who they are; and we move about until our shapes fit.

and i find that i will ask questions similarly-worded, but i tend to pull those punches because something inside me doesn’t feel right. my knowledge tells my learned instincts and habits to cut it out. don’t play games. don’t mince words.
so i stumble some more on essentially “second guessing.”


at times, maybe lots of times, i find myself on the edge of a kind of respect. on one hand i don’t want to intrude on others, on the other hand i want to speak up and prompt conversation with others. some will not like it, some will. and i have to remind myself that it is worth it, it is a good. i am not talkative unless i find rhythms to talk. and then it is exponentially driven. so i am still relatively quiet.

lately i’ve been finding myself experimenting, in ways, speaking more when i would normally be quiet. interacting when i would normally leave well-enough-alone. i believe these actions to be inspired by my want for connection and sharing.
to share one’s own gatherings- i feel an urge to do so. is this an instinct? i believe so. i feel it is “written” somewhere in our brains to be receptive and contributor to the social element of our evolved state.
so, through embarrassment or awkward, quirky moments, i continue on with the ideal of the “human social group,” the charm of communication.